Wednesday, January 09, 2008

doggone wars

for those of you who may not know, i am not really what you would call an "animal person". i'm not sure if it was how i was raised, a bad experience as a child. i'm not sure. i just really don't like to touch animals, i don't like when they touch me. i prefer to just admire them from a distance. the zoo for example... i loooove the zoo. i love nothing more than the zoo. i love watching animals on tv. i "oooh" and "ahhh" over puppies as much as the next person.

...just don't let them touch me. and especially DO NOT. under any circumstance. let them lick me!

so moving into dave's parent's house has been a bit of a challenge for me. they have a dog, holly. she really has mellowed out a lot since they first got her. i'm afraid however that my first experience with her has forever scarred me.

i remember it vividly. i walked into their front hall. i lifted my knee to untie my shoe while at the same time lowering my upper body a bit to reach it. when out of NOWHERE bolts Matrix dog. she leaps... all four paws launching off the floor at the same time and then :::slurp::: a big, sloppy, wet lick up the nose! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and so the feud began.

i don't know if i have a special odor, or some type of beacon that only animals can detect, but they all seem to be drawn to me. out of a room full of people the cat will most always have to rub on MY leg. when 12 people are seated for a meal, the dog will always sit 6 inches from my side breathing that hot fishy breath towards ME. when repeatedly told to move or lay down they simply move to my other side and continue to huff on me. why? oh why? i don't understand.

so holly. i have to give her credit. either she's the dumbest animal i've ever met or the most hopefully. for her sake i hope it's the latter. although after today i have a feeling that it's all part of her master plan to slowly drive me insane.

holly likes to play this fun game where out of the um i don't know 1200 square feet that makes up the entryway, living room, dining room, kitchen and dinette, where ever i walk she must AT ALL TIMES stand 9 inches in front of me, supposedly oblivious to my presence. if i need to give jonah a piece of banana she must camp on the side of the high chair at which i need to approach him. when i'm walking toward the stairs with seven things in my arms she must walk at a snail's pace toward the front door. never fails.

now you may think i'm crazy, but dave's sister leah will attest... every now and again holly will give me a death glare. i'm serious. and no, i'm not paranoid. the other day i was sitting on the stairs waiting for dave to come inside and holly sitting under the front window was just looking at me. then when i looked at her, she lowered her eyebrows and squinted. death glare. i kid you not.

today's battle... this is the best one yet.

i have a sore throat (please pray for me). this morning i was tired. i didn't feel well. and to top it all off dave left this morning for a 2-day business trip. so i take jonah downstairs for breakfast (after wishing he had a snooze button). now, he's getting to be a big kid and when you're not feeling well he feels like a giant sack o' potatoes. so when holly (of course) walked in front of me the whole way to put jonah is his high chair, instead of politely asking her to move or stepping around her i just kept walking. gee holly, sorry about that knee to the ribs, (dummy).

jonah and i ate our breakfast and went upstairs to play. later that morning i left jonah playing upstairs and went downstairs and out to the garage to get a coke (a diet cherry coke coke for those of you from the south). when i came back inside the door was stuck. between the time i closed the door, walked to the fridge, got my coke and walked back inside, little miss attitude had bunched up the rug inside the door so that the door got stuck. i had to shove it open. holly was just sitting there on the other side of the door... looking smug.


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