hope now

so some kinda big news... dave was laid off on monday. apparently his company is doing some "right-sizing" and decided to eliminate his territory.

dave and i have both been praying that something would change with his job. he's been traveling soooo much lately with no end in site and it was just really taking a toll on both of us. dave and i are both confident that God is up to something amazing and we're actually excited to find out what it is. dave got the news from his vp of sales at 1:45 on monday afternoon and by 5pm he already had an interview set up with one of his company's customers that he used to work with. so because of that (and many other things) we trust that God is truly in this situation and has been preparing us both for it.

the other amazing thing and i think a big reason why when i got the news i didn't freak out is that for the past month God has been showing me nothing but passages about trusting Him. dave actually told me last week that he was concerned that something might happen since it was so evident that God seemed to just be shouting at me "trust me!" (proverbs 3:5-6 and psalm 37:3-7 in particular).

and i have to say at this point it almost feels a little bit crazy. i honestly did not feel one ounce of worry when dave told me the news. and God has really just been giving us both that peace that surpasses understanding in the midst of this seeming storm.

i just love philippians 4:4-7. i have it stuck to my bathroom mirror... "rejoice in the Lord always. i will say it again: rejoice! let your gentleness be evident to all. the Lord is near. do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." what a great reminder.

and then on the radio this morning they read this verse and it just jumped right out at me. i know that james 1:2-4 almost seems counter intuitive, but that's what makes God's Word so intriguing... "consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

consider it pure joy while i face inevitable trials? huh? but what if i don't want to be mature and complete? oh come on! sure you do! what could be more fun, right!?

thankfully romans 1:2-5 gave me some insight into why in the world this even remotely makes sense... "and we boast in the hope of the glory of God. not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

oh! so it's because through these trails God grows my character. and that character is producing in my heart hope. and hope, man, what a concept to think about. God is the God of hope. he has the capability to fill us with joy and peace if we just trust in him. and when we do that we will simply overflow with hope. we won't even be able to explain it.

so really this just all comes down to hope. wow. and that sentence just reminded me of this amazing song by addison road called "hope now" and so i went searching for it on youtube so you could hear it and i found this video by the band talking about hope. great great stuff if you have a few minutes.



and here's the actual music video to their oh so lovely song...



lyrics:

everything rides on hope now
everything rides on faith somehow
when the world has broken me down
your love sets me free

when my life is like a storm
rising waters all i want is the shore
you say i'll be ok and
make it through the rain
you are my shelter from the storm


ok so changing gears just a bit. even though my brain and my heart both get it this is nevertheless a trial. so if you're reading this and feel led would you please say a prayer for us? please pray that dave would find another job soon and that God would provide for us so that we can continue to save for a house. also please pray that God's glory would shine through this situation and that God would continue to give me gentle reminders to persevere in trusting Him! God is good all the time. He will not leave us or forsake us. and if we just continue to delight ourselves in Him he will give us the desires of our hearts. His Word says it and i believe it.

and please let me know how i can pray for you. are you facing a trial? are the waters rising? i hate to sound like a cheesy Jesus commercial, but if you have questions or want to know more about this crazy God who can give you peace in the midst of it all, drop me a line. he's for real, yo.

and i just couldn't put up a post without a pic. these are flowers we got for faith's birthday last year (gosh, i can't believe she'd be almost 4 on march 7th. it's coming up so fast!) and this is my all time favorite verse about hope and joy and peace and trusting God that totally just fuels me...

jonah gettin' his praise on...

finding my path

i feel like God has really been blessing me lately. we've had this really good thing going and it's just been amazing... and refreshing. it's not all perfect and sunshine and roses all the time, but over all things are just going really well right now.

i'm feeling peace in the midst of busyness. the pieces seem to be falling fairly easily into place with my whole business relaunch thing. i'm taking time consistently to read and study on my own even without an assignment... which is something new for me. my relationships are rich and growing. i'm feeling relaxed about the direction my life is heading and i think a lot of it has to do with proverbs 3:5-6...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.

i read this verse a couple weeks ago in my daily Bible reading (on january 11th to be exact) and i actually wrote it on a post it note and stuck it to my bathroom mirror as a reminder to trust God. it is such a great reminder that if i just leave my future in God's hands i don't have to worry about the direction i'm heading or trying to control any of it. it's been so freeing.

and i know that soaking in this verse for the past couple of weeks is just where i'm supposed to be because God keeps on confirming it. earlier this week i got a note... yes, a real live snail mail paper and pen note from a friend of mine.

the front of the note card was printed with this quote: "i don't have to figure out why or how or when. God has a plan, and i'm committed to it. that commitment frees me from having to worry about the details." -barbara johnson

and inside my friend wrote "...i pray He will continue to make your path straight so you can focus on living life with Him & enjoying."

and it's funny as i was writing this blog entry jeremy camp's song 'open up your eyes' came on...

And the time has come to realize
And see the plan you've been designed for
So face the fear of all unknown
And see the heart inside
So open up your eyes
So open up your eyes

Throw yourself aside
and hear the gentle cry
Of the voice of peace that gave up all to fill the void inside

Give away the fight,
release your foolish pride
the very bond is broken down you need to leave behind


...ok, so jump forward a few hours. i started writing this entry last night. saturday night. and i went to bed before finishing it. well this morning we went to church and guess what? we sang a song i'd never heard before and just guess what the lyrics were?!

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

i'm not really sure if a message gets any more loud and clear and in your face than that!

i'm trusting, LORD. i'm trusting. sometimes i don't understand, but i'll trust you.

wfmw tip: praying for our kids

ok, first i'm gonna tell you how i found this list. and then i'm gonna explain it and how excited i am about it.

a bunch of my friends, including my hubby, follow this guy loswhit on twitter. he seems like an interesting character, so i decided to start following him too. a couple of hours ago he twittered: "creative chaos is live". interesting. what's that? so i clicked on the link. while i was reading the rules about how to participate he explained that he got his idea from this chick who writes the blog rocks in my dryer. he explained that "shannon uses her blog to get lots of mom bloggers together and they trade mom type secrets that are working for them on her blog every wednesday" in a project called works for me wednesdays.

the first link that caught my eye under this week's wfmw was by everyday becky and it was titled praying for our kids. after reading becky's post (and then the original article about this) i totally fell in love with this idea of having a specific thing to pray about for jonah every day. i just love that kid so much and want so much for him, but it's hard to know where to start praying for him specifically so this list is incredibly helpful and inspiring.

so here's the list. becky said she printed it out and keeps it on her nightstand. i'm totally doing that.

1 salvation "Lord, let salvation spring up within my children, that they may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus, with eternal glory" (Isaiah 45:8, 2 Timothy 2:10).

2 growth in grace "I pray that they may 'grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ'" (2 Peter 3:18).

3 love "Grant, Lord, that my children may learn to 'live a life of love,' through the Spirit who dwells in them" (Ephesians 5:2, Galatians 5:22).

4 honesty and integrity "May integrity and honesty be their virtue and their protection" (Psalm 25:21, NLT).

5 self-control "Father, help my children not to be like many others around them, but let them be 'alert and self-controlled' in all they do" (1 Thessalonians 5:6)

6 a love for God's Word "May my children grow to find your Word 'more precious than gold, than much pure gold; [and] sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb'" (Psalm 19:10).

7 justice "God, help my children to love justice as you do and to 'act justly' in all they do" (Psalm 11:7, Micah 6:8).

8 mercy "May my children always 'be merciful, as [their] Father is merciful'" (Luke 6:36).

9 respect (for self, others, authority) "Father, grant that my children may 'show proper respect to everyone,' as your Word commands" (1 Peter 2:17a).

10 strong, Biblical self-esteem "Help my children develop a strong self-esteem that is rooted in the realization that they are 'God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus'" (Ephesians 2:10).

11 faithfulness "'Let love and faithfulness never leave [my children],' but bind these twin virtues around their necks and write them on the tablet of their hearts" (Proverbs 3:3).

12 courage "May my children always 'Be strong and courageous' in their character and in their actions" (Deuteronomy 31:6).

13 purity "'Create in [them] a pure heart, O God,' and let their purity of heart be shown in their actions" (Psalm 51:10).

14 kindness "Lord, may my children 'always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else'" (1 Thessalonians 5:15).

15 generosity "Grant that my children may 'be generous and willing to share [and so] lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age'" (1 Timothy 6:18-19).

16 peace, peaceability "Father, let my children 'make every effort to do what leads to peace'" (Romans 14:19).

17 joy "May my children be filled 'with the joy given by the Holy Spirit'" (1 Thessalonians 1:6).

18 perseverance "Lord, teach my children perseverance in all they do, and help them especially to 'run with perseverance the race marked out for [them]'" (Hebrews 12:1).

19 humility "God, please cultivate in my children the ability to 'show true humility toward all'" (Titus 3:2).

20 compassion "Lord, please clothe my children with the virtue of compassion" (Colossians 3:12).

21 responsibility "Grant that my children may learn responsibility, 'for each one should carry his own load'" (Galatians 6:5).

22 contentment "Father, teach my children 'the secret of being content in any and every situation. . . . through him who gives [them] strength'" (Philippians 4:12-13).

23 faith "I pray that faith will find root and grow in my children's hearts, that by faith they may gain what has been promised to them" (Luke 17:5-6, Hebrews 11:1-40).

24 a servant heart "God, please help my children develop servant hearts, that they may serve wholeheartedly, 'as to the Lord, and not to men'" (Ephesians 6:7, KJV).

25 hope "May the God of hope grant that my children may overflow with hope and hopefulness by the power of the Holy Spirit" (Romans 15:13).

26 the willingness and ability to work hard "Teach my children, Lord, to value work and to work hard at everything they do, 'as working for the Lord, not for men'" (Colossians 3:23).

27 a passion for God "Lord, please instill in my children a soul that "followeth hard after thee," a heart that clings passionately to you (Psalm 63:8, KJV).

28 self-discipline "Father, I pray that my children may develop self-discipline, that they may acquire 'a disciplined and prudent life, doing what is right and just and fair'" (Proverbs 1:3).

29 prayerfulness "Grant, Lord, that my children's lives may be marked by prayerfulness, that they may learn to 'pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests" (Ephesians 6:18).

30 gratitude "Help my children to live lives that are always 'overflowing with thankfulness,' 'always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ'" (Colossians 2:7, Ephesians 5:20).

31 a heart for missions "Lord, please help my children to develop a heart for missions, a desire to see your glory declared among the nations, your marvelous deeds among all peoples" (Psalm 96:3).

make me wise

don't wise people just fascinate you? not smart people, but wise human beings. people who possess wisdom. people who make wise decisions, give wise counsel, spend their money wisely, speak words that are just filled with wisdom. they fascinate me.

so how do i get what they have?

as i sat in church this morning i had about 15 minutes before service started all to myself. jonah was in kidsquest and dave was taking a class. so as i sat there enjoying this stolen moment i prayed/journaled "God, make me wise. teach me something today. Lord, speak to me."

within the hour i had an answer to my prayer. no, not instant wisdom zapped into my head from heaven, but a road map with specific instructions on how to find it. answered prayer.

the message this morning was given by wayne cordeiro from new hope christian fellowship in honolulu, hawaii via video. gateway is doing a video series in conjunction with oneprayer.com. pretty cool stuff.

i took notes. so if you want to know how to find wisdom yourself read on...

be still.

when you're still you learn how to repent. how to listen. how be obedient. i have a really really hard time with this.

wisdom is not built in a day. it is built upon daily.

we have the opportunity to harvest wisdom throughout our lives in two ways: through our own personal experience (and consequences) and through the personal experience of others (gain wisdom beyond my experience).

the Bible gives us the wisdom of the ages.

romans 15:4
for everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.

1 corinthians 10:11
these things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the fulfillment of the ages has come.

psalm 119
your statutes are my delight; they are my counselors.

practice the basics.

great musicians practice the scales over and over and over again and again and again. among other things it builds dexterity and muscle memory. if you spent an hour a day with a great jazz musician teaching you everything he knows, after about a year people would start to ask where you learned to play. you'd sound like you were taught by a great master, not just taking a community college course once a week. if you were a musician and you had this opportunity, wouldn't you jump at it?

we should treat an hour a day with God the same way. i should jump at the opportunity to spend time the with master of the universe, the giver of wisdom.

break the famine.

the pastor told a story of a man who came to him and told him he was leaving their church "because he wasn't being fed." the pastor told him this story. he said, "i have a son your age. when he was a baby we used to put food in one end, it would come out the other end and we'd clean it up. we didn't know if it was doing any good. but then we started to notice that he was growing. then pretty soon he learned to feed himself."

what if we only ate once a week? we would be gaunt, sickly, emaciated, unhealthy.

if you only go to church once a week for one hour this is what your spiritual self looks like. we need to feast on God's word daily in order to grow and remain healthy spiritually. we need to learn to feed ourselves.


lastly, here are the four tools you'll need to gather wisdom...

1) the Bible

it's God-breathed, God-inspired. God will breathe wisdom into me, the same wisdom he gave to solomon and david and all of the other heroes of faith.

it's also really important to read the Bible for me. live it. don't just read it to give out to others. read it like that and it will make me a disciple.

2) a pen

underline Scripture. the Holy Spirit will highlight what he wants you to hear.

3) a reading program

it's like a GPS. something that will take you through the Bible systematically.

4) a journal

follow this acronym: S.O.A.P.

scripture - write out a key verse
observation - what did you notice?
application - what am i going to do about what i just read?
prayer - write out a prayer

great resource for a journal - lifejournal.cc

here's my journal, my Bible and my favorite mike arbizzani pen. hopefully now after this inspiring message they'll all be getting a much better work out than they have been used to.

so there it is in a nutshell. the key to gaining wisdom.

i don't know about you, but i'm feeling pretty hungry.

quick thought

God makes everything glorious.

God made me.

i am His.

what does that make me?

our story of Faith

looking back through some old entries i realized i've never really told my whole story on here. well not that i could find anyway, maybe i'm repeating myself.

what spurred this entry is that i've made a connection with a friend of our family who just lost her sweet little twin boys at 24 weeks. i wrote her an email and in it i included the cliff notes version of our story, so i thought i'd post it here since i had it all typed out and everything.

jane (we'll just call her jane) emailed me with some of her struggles and some details of her story. i'm going to leave most of what i wrote in my email back to her in the hopes that if anyone reading this has had a loss that this post will be an encouragement to them.

so without further ado, here is our story...

Jane, thank you so much for sharing your story and your heart with me. I can't say and I won't say that I know how you're feeling. I've been where you are, but we all go through this experience differently. Oh, and don't let anyone tell you there are "stages" of grieving. It's more like spaghetti in my opinion. They don't all happen in little neat boxes. I remember thinking I was through the "knock you on your butt can't catch your breath, crying non-stop" phase only to have something trigger it again a few days later. Then I thought I had dealt with all of my anger issues until I thought of something else. It's a roller coaster, that's for sure.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I also want to preface this email with the fact that it's been over 3 years since we had Faith, so although I might sound like I've "got it together" the fact is I've had 3 years to grieve and adjust and work it out. So don't be discouraged thinking you're so far from where I'm at. At 2 or 3 weeks after having Faith I was a wreck.

I remember one of my very first ventures out of the house by myself a few weeks after Faith was born. I was home on "maternity leave" and having cabin fever, so I decided I needed to get out of the house. The weather was cold so I went to Target just to browse. And shopping always makes you feel better, right? Well I remember making it probably 40 feet into the store when I was confronted with the girls clothing section. All of these thoughts flooded my head about how I wouldn't get to go shopping for those cute girls clothes for my dead daughter. Needless to say I did a 180, bolted out of the store with tears streaming down my face, and then I sat in my car and bawled my eyes out.

So anyway, don't be too hard on yourself. And don't ever feel bad about feeling anything that you feel (that's a lot of "feeling") =) Sadness, anger, frustration... it's so healthy to be honest about what you're going through. That being said though I remember there were a few times when I would be so low, so depressed, I didn't even feel like getting off of the couch to go to the bathroom. And my husband Dave would come home and remind me that I had a choice. We heard this great message once about the fact that we get to choose our feelings. It's something that no one and nothing can take away from us. There's a saying: "people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be" and I believe that it's true. Sometimes our circumstances dictate appropriate behaviors and feelings often follow closely, but we truly have the ability and freedom to feel however we want to feel. I also understand this is much, much, much easier said than done. Dave would also often remind me that I could choose to either let this situation make me bitter or better. I could let it eat away at me and be a victim or I could choose to let this situation grow me, to see what God had in store for me, to be open to the possibility that God had a plan for my life.

So here's our story... Dave and I have been married since June 1999. We got pregnant with Faith in June of 2004 and the whole pregnancy went like clockwork. No red flags. No problems. We walked into the hospital at 38 weeks ready to deliver our baby (which we hadn't found out the sex of) and take them home. We had the nursery all ready. We had been blessed with three showers thrown by friends and family, so we were all set with "stuff" for the baby. So excited!

My contractions were about 5 minutes apart and we were admitted into the hospital. I got into the gown and settled into the bed. When the nurse put the monitor on my stomach she couldn't locate the heartbeat. Two or three different nurses tried and couldn't find it, so they called in for an ultrasound. It confirmed what I had been denying. No heartbeat. I knew it the moment they put the image on the screen. My world went black. The nurses left my husband and I to be alone.

Those first few moments were probably the darkest moments of my entire life. I felt like dying. I didn't know how or why this could have happened. I didn't understand. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare. I wanted so badly to believe it was a mistake. Our dream of a family had been shattered into a million pieces on the floor and with it my heart. For 38 weeks we had anticipated meeting this new little person, and now, too suddenly, they were gone.

For those first few initial moments, alone in the hospital room with Dave, I remember being surrounded by darkness. I don't know what the actual lighting level in the room was, but I remember it feeling very, very dark. Then out of the darkness, a spotlight. It felt like a light was shining right on me and all of a sudden I felt an inexplainable peace. Still overwhelming sadness, but not hopelessness. Now looking back on it, I know that it was God.

There's a verse in the Bible that says: The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

"The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds..."

Now I understand what that means. This is what I experienced. A peace which I cannot explain, both in the delivery room and in the days, weeks, months and years that followed.

There's a story in the Bible that came to mind as I lay there in that bed somewhere between wanting to die and denial. Looking back I believe this story is what helped me keep my sanity and eventually find a healthy level of acceptance with our loss. The story is about a man named Job (pronounced Jobe). I'll give you the summary, but if you want to read the whole thing you can read it here.

One day Satan and God are talking. God starts bragging about Job and how good Job is and how much Job loves God. Satan replies that of course Job loves God, God gives him everything that he wants. Satan says that if Job didn't have such a good life he wouldn't be such a great man and servant of God. So long story short, God allows Satan to take away all of Job's land and cattle and wealth and servants, Job's family is killed and eventually Satan even takes away Job's health. God doesn't do these things to Job, but he removes his hand and allows Satan to do these things. God knew that Job would pass the test and he did. Even after everything Satan could throw at him Job still proclaimed, "God, you give and you take away, but still I'll praise your name." Job did not understand why these things were happening to him. All of his friends told him to confess his sin, that he must have done something to anger God. Job's wife told him to "curse God and die." Nice. But Job didn't lose faith. He knew that God loved him and that God must have a reason for doing what he did.

This story has really helped me to realize that it's not necessarily "God's plan" when bad things happen. We live in a fallen world. God loves me and doesn't want to see me hurting. In fact he cries with us when we're in pain. Knowing this truth has changed my perspective on suffering. Maybe God's just testing me. Maybe he knows that when I go through suffering it draws me closer to him. So maybe he allows me to suffer so that I'll be drawn closer to him and in turn receive his richest rewards... which I have.

Throughout the months after our loss I felt some of the deepest sorrow and darkness I've ever felt in my life. But in that same period of time I also experienced that peace that transcends all understanding. My faith has grown immensely. And now God is using me to (hopefully) encourage others who have traveled the same path that I have.

I hope that some of what I've said has been an encouragement to you. I'm totally here for you. If you need to vent. If you need say something because holding it inside makes you feel crazy. If you're wondering if something is "normal". Anything! A friend of mine had a loss at 18 weeks just a few weeks after we had Faith. We used to talk on the phone for hours and we used to laugh at ourselves because of some of the crazy things we used to say. Losing a child gives you a new "normal". Most people can't talk about death the way you and I can now. It gives you a frankness about it.

(Jane had mentioned feeling guilty in her email, so I'm responding to that here...)

I felt such guilt for sooo long about our loss. Like if I would have done things differently we wouldn't have lost her. I spent months going back through every moment of my pregnancy that I could remember, searching for something I could have changed to save her. Going over and over in my mind my last doctor's appointment. Were there any clues that we missed? I remember I got my hair dyed and the fumes ended up making me sick and I had to come back another day to finish getting my hair cut. Maybe that triggered something. Faith was only 3 pounds 7 oz. at 38 weeks. And I'd only gained 24 pounds. Maybe if I would have eaten more. All of the maybe's. All of the what if's. Eventually I came to a place of peace and acceptance, but I'll tell you that was a long journey. And even after I thought I'd conquered them all, getting pregnant again brought up a whole new set of what if's. I ended up gaining about 60 pounds with my second pregnancy and I'm sure it's because subconsciously I was convinced that if I ate more this second baby would be healthy.

We do now have a son named Jonah. He's 20 months old and just amazing. It took us 10 months to conceive him and it was probably the longest 10 months of my life. I wanted so badly to get pregnant again because I thought replacing Faith would just be easier. I wanted so badly to be a mom, only for real this time, with a baby I could hold and take home with me. Thankfully God allowed me that time to grieve without my "replacement baby". At the time I was so angry and sad that we couldn't get pregnant, but looking back it was a huge blessing in disguise. It allowed me more time to heal, both physically and emotionally. My body was healthier since it had time to recuperate from a full-term pregnancy and therefore be ready for another pregnancy. And emotionally I was able to grieve and work through a lot of issues in that time instead of just sweeping them under the rug. I pray that you and your husband do get pregnant again right away. Each month that we didn't get pregnant it seemed like it just opened up that wound again and it brought with it so many questions and doubts about whether we'd ever be able to have another child.

I hope that by telling you all of this (the good, the bad and the ugly) that it doesn't discourage you. My intention is only to be totally transparent because I want you to know that I didn't and I still don't have it all together. But somehow God moved in my life. He helped me through it all. He met me where I was and he showed me his love, grace and mercy, and I want you to know that you can experience this too. It's a long road, but you don't have to walk it alone. God is here for you and I am here for you. Feel free to email me back or call me or we can get together in person. Whatever you need. I also want to invite you to my church. We go to Gateway and it's an awesome awesome church. We just moved to Austin in November and already these people are like my family. Gateway's website says: "Jesus never saw church as a place to go, but as a people who love him and who are learning to love others. At Gateway, no matter what your spiritual background or past, we want you to 'Come as you are.' From there, we'll all grow together!"

I know this is a ton of information to take in. Feel free to ask me questions about anything and please don't feel any pressure by my invitation. It's an open door, but don't feel any obligation.

Take care and I'll talk to you soon,
Lisa

P.S. Below is an email I just received today. I thought it was too much of a coincidence that I received your email and this email with this topic in the same morning not to pass it on.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Proverbs 31 Ministries
Date: Thu, Jun 5, 2008 at 8:05 AM
Subject: 06/05/08/Deep Grief/Encouragement For Today

June 5, 2008

Deep Grief

Lysa TerKeurst

"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy."

Psalm 30:11 (NIV)

Devotion:

Sometimes when we lose things it causes a temporary panic that rises and falls in a mini-tidal wave fashion. Like earlier this year when I lost my camera with all our ski vacation pictures on it. The panic escalated, crested with some hand wringing and mind racing, and then slowly ebbed away.

But sometimes a loss cuts into your heart so viciously that it forever redefines who you are and how you think. It's what I call "deep grief." The kind that strains against everything you've ever believed. So much so you wonder how the promises that seemed so real on those thin Bible pages yesterday, could possibly stand up under the weight of enormous sadness today.

I once stood at the side of a casket too small to accept. Pink roses draped everywhere. And I watched my mom as she lay across the casket, refusing to let go. How could she let go? Part of her heart laid within, so quiet and so still.

I stood paralyzed. Just days ago we were doing everyday things and assuming that all of our lives stretched before us in spans of many, many years. And then suddenly it all stopped. In the flurry of funeral plans and memorial services we all operated on automatic. People were everywhere. Soft chatter filled in the gaps that our stunned silence could not. And enough food was brought in to feed the whole neighborhood.

But eventually people went back to their own lives. The soft chatter dissipated. The food stopped coming. And we were forced to carry on. Only we had deep grief wrapped about us that made our throats feel strangled and our feet stuck in mud.

I remember I tried to go to McDonalds to order a happy meal. But I couldn't. I sat in the drive-through with the speaker spouting words at me I couldn't process. She kept asking if she could take my order.

Yeah, I had an order. Take away my bloodshot eyes. Take away my desire to hurt the doctors that couldn't save my sister. Take away my anger toward God. And then take away my guilt for being the one that lived. I'll take all that with no onions and extra ketchup, please.

I drove away sobbing. How dare they offer happy meals. No one should be happy today. Or tomorrow. Or next year.

This is the reality of deep grief. Even when you love God and believe in His promises. Even when you know without a doubt that you will see your loved one again. Even when you know hope is still there.

It takes time.

It takes wading through an ocean of tears.

It takes finding a possession of your loved one that you thought was lost, and realizing God did that just to comfort you. It takes discovering one day that the sun still shines. It takes being caught off-guard when you catch yourself smiling… only to realize it's okay.

It takes prayer. It takes making the decision to stop asking for answers and start asking for perspective. It takes telling people to please not avoid saying her name - you want to hear it, over and over again.

Then one day you take off the blanket of deep grief. You fold it neatly and tuck it away. You no longer hate it or resist it. For underneath it, wondrous things have happened. Things that could have only come about when Divine hope intersected with a broken world.

And finally you can see years stretching before you once again. You look up, blow a kiss, wipe a tear and find it's still possible to dance.

In light of their own recent loss, may we all keep the family of Steven Curtis and Marybeth Chapman in our prayers for all the time it will take them to shed their deep grief and discover their dance again.

Dear Lord, Thank you for assuring us that your principles and promises hold true even when life seems to betray us. We praise You that Your love reaches to any depth we find ourselves in. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Reflections:

Death is a reality of life. So, how can you live more intentionally each day with those you love?

Power Verse:

2 Corinthians 1:2-4, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." (NIV)

© 2008 by Lysa TerKeurst. All rights reserved.

Proverbs 31 Ministries

616-G, Matthews-Mint Hill Road

Matthews, NC 28105

www.proverbs31.org

being still is my next move

i went running tonight (a new "hobby" of mine) and this song came on as i was walking my last block home cooling down. you know when you hear a song and it just meets you right where you are. i actually walked up and down the block a couple of times and listened to it twice because it was just really speaking to me.

i decided i need to stop once in a while. be still. sit. listen.

i went on the women's retreat last month and was convicted of this, but i haven't followed through with a regular quite time. sure i read and i write and i go to bible study, but i never really just sit and listen.

being still is my next move. i'll let you know how it goes.




Love is Looking for you - Warren Barfield

Someone's calling your name
But you can't hear a sound
Cause you've allowed the noise to drown it out
Everywhere you go
You're never there
The thought of being afraid
Has you so scared

And all this time you've been looking for love
Love has been looking for you
Being still is your next move
Close your eyes and see the truth
You know that love is looking
Is looking for you
Yeah
Looking for you

There's only one way
The path there is different for each of us
I don't know what you need
But you need Jesus, yeah
Will you ever learn
It doesn't matter what you know
The less there is of you
The more room there is to grow

Can't you hear Him
Can't you hear Him calling out to you
Can't you feel Him
Can't you feel Him looking for you

happy easter!

a friend sent me this video today in the hopes that i'd spend a few moments watching it and letting the words sink in deep. i did... and it's changed me. it's put my heart in that place where i'm ready to truly celebrate Easter for its real purpose... Christ died for me and conquered death so that i might have eternal life. i don't say this to be "religious". i say it because it's true and i believe it. Christ has changed by life and by accepting him and what he did for me on the cross 2000 years ago i get to spend forever with him... starting now. so i want to let His light shine through me. i might not be a perfect vessel, but i'm willing and that's all he asks for. come to me as you are... but don't stay that way.

i loved this version of romans 12:1-2 that they showed in the video. it's from the Message...

So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

Happy Easter everyone!

prayer is the antidote for worry

i wanted to share a few insights that I received from my small group study this week...

in reading some of the related verses to this week's scripture (matthew 6:24-34) i spent some time in philippians. philippians 4:6-7 says, "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

my footnotes said that the two greatest opposing forces in the Christian experience are anxiety and prayer. wow! are you anxious? pray. thanksgiving is the antidote to worry, along with prayer and petition.

i know this is so true for my life. when i find myself worrying about something i try to focus on my blessings and often my little problems don't seem so bad after all. for example, here i am worrying about my flight to chicago with jonah and dave this weekend. but you know what? i'm not addicted to heroine. i don't have cancer or pneumonia. i'm healthy. i could afford two plane tickets and a dvd player to hopefully keep my toddler amused. i'm going to visit friends and family that love me and can't wait to see me. what in the heck am i worrying about?!?! seriously.

isn't this exciting?! this journey we're on with God and with each other?! i'm excited to see what God's going to teach me this week as he stretches me!

God, you are Good, Gracious, Merciful, Gentle, Never Changing, my Keeper, my Hiding Place, Through All & Above All... and for that i am sooooo grateful! Hallelujah!

indescribable

at small group tonight we just took some time to praise God. it was really powerful to me and i wanted to share this video i found.



first we listened to chris tomlin's indescribable and then we just took some time to praise God by lifting up his different names. some of God's names that stood out to me on the list we were using were: above all, comforter, counselor, doer of wonders, everlasting strength, excellent, faithful, father of the fatherless, good, lifter of my head, merciful, never weary, perfect, physician, potter, powerful, refiner, and rock of my refuge.

and you know, it's funny. even though there are hundreds of words we can use to describe God... somehow he's still indescribable.

God, how can i impact Zambia?

since we've arrived in austin i've been looking for opportunities to plug in and get connected at our new church. when i heard about the opportunity to serve at world vision's impact AIDS exhibit on gateway's campus i decided to sign up.

i visited the exhibit friday night so that i could have some time to absorb it, and i'm really glad that i did. a quick overview: this is an interactive exhibit. you walk through a large tent wearing a headset which takes you on one of three paths on the journey of one of three children affected by HIV/AIDS. friday night i experienced olivia's story. olivia is a 17 year old young woman who became pregnant after being raped. she contracted HIV and became pregnant again after being raped a second time.

one of the most startling facts that i learned friday was that many africans believe that having sex with a virgin will cure AIDS. this is why education is so important in stopping the spread of AIDS! this was just one of many myths that is actually perpetuating the spreading of HIV/AIDS instead of stopping it. this issue is so complex. i am so grateful that God laid it on my heart to take the time to sit down and learn the facts!

sunday morning i walked in the shoes of little 7 year old beatrice. i listened as beatrice's older sister, who was HIV positive, went into labor and delivered a baby girl: miriam. my nostils filled with the smell of burlap as i stood listening to her tiny newborn baby cry, imagining myself there in the room with them. then something goes wrong. beatrice's sister has died. i soon learn that because her sister was HIV positive none of their relatives will care for the baby. beatrice can't just let that baby be left out to die, so she takes little miriam and for two years the two somehow survive before receiving aid. i truly don't understand how they survived. to be honest i believe it was nothing short of a miracle.

after walking through beatrice's story i volunteered to work in the health clinic. in the exhibit at the end of your journey through each of the stories you arrive in the health clinic to find out if you have contracted HIV. after waiting in the waiting room you approach the window, state your name and receive your test results: positive or negative. i was the one who stamped your hand. you can see photographs of the exhibit (including a couple pictures of me working in the health clinic) on the austin american-statesman newspaper's website. the photographer ralph barrera did an amazing job capturing the experience in photographs.

i was amazed, after some reflection, that even the simple act of doling out a stamp was impactful to me. at first i would say "please state your name". half of the time the visitor would state their own name and i would have to point to their headset and say "no, your character's name". then i realized something. something profound. these were not simply characters. these were real people.

i was also impacted by peoples' reactions to getting their stamp/diagnosis. two of the stories ended in a negative diagnosis; one in a positive. i could tell that not too many people were totally immersed in the story they were following. they were just observing. listening to a story of a "character". i know that's how i went through the first time. i also think it's something we sometimes have to do to protect ourselves emotionally, otherwise it's too painful. it's a protective mechanism. i did see a few people who looked wholly disappointed when they got the big red plus sign on the back of their hand. often they would shake their heads, but not as if to say i'm sad that I have AIDS. it was always a "that's too bad for her" reaction. finally instead of saying "thank you" i started saying "i'm sorry".

the other reactions that really touched me were when i would stamp the back of a person's hand with the black negative sign and they would take a deep breath, a sigh of relief, and their shoulders would relax. that was powerful to me. to see people empathizing with these young people. they're half a world away, but by seeing the AIDS crisis through one pair of eyes instead of just looking at a staggering and unimaginable statistic it brought it home... for them and for me.

after working in the health clinic for a few hours, i headed in for sunday morning service. i was able to catch the end of worship. the message (like they planned it or something) was about serving. at first i was very encouraged. john was sharing some great verses. i'm salt, i'm light, i'm going to feed the hungry, i'm going to visit the prisoners, i have power from the Holy Spirit...

...and then i started becoming overwhelmed by the great need. a need too large for me to bear emotionally. millions are dying every year of starvation and disease. there are thousands in our own country who are in severe poverty. we have it sooooo good. what can i do? what can little ol' me really do to make any kind of impact at all? would it even do any good?

then i remembered something someone told me in the tent. you can make a difference to one. even if i only make one person's life better, i've made one person's life better. a human being. someone who deserves to have their life made better. someone who deserves love.

i took a moment and prayed right then and there: God, what can i do? what should i do? (see the note i wrote to myself during church)

as i listened to the remainder of the message God answered me. "feed the hungry" he told me. gateway is working on putting together some kits to be sent to africa. i can do that. an announcement was made that there will be a mission trip to Zambia in june. i don't know how that fits me and my life right now Lord, but i will pray about it and watch for an opportunity.

john reminded us about the opportunity to sponsor a child through world vision. dave and i have been sponsoring jhonathan from bolivia through food for the hungry for years now and have been so blessed by him, seeing him grow and receiving his letters. in his last letter he asked us when we were going to come and visit. wouldn't that be amazing?

during service i heard the story of one man and his wife who adopted 56 children. no, not sponsoring them from a distance. real life adopting. can you imagine it?

i left church feeling a heavy weight on my shoulders, but also knowing that God would guide me and help me carry that load. in a way i was honored to have it. how will God use me to bless others? isn't it exciting to think about the fact that we get to be a part of what He's doing?!?!

------

so monday night i'm sitting at the kitchen table having dinner with jonah when dave hands me a letter from our friend brandi. i open it and what's this? brandi is going on a missions trip. can you guess where she's going? i'll give one guess. if you guessed Zambia you'd be correct! (if you don't understand the crazy God-incendenceness of this please refer to four paragraphs up.)

but wait. that's not the best part. i asked dave to pray about how much we should give and God revealed something to both of us at the same time... our old church christ community is just wrapping up their imagine campaign. it began the week of Faith's birth (march of 2005) and went for three years. so if you do the math, that means the weekly amount we had pledged to imagine is now freed up for other things... say to support a mission trip to Zambia! (i can't believe Faith is going to be 3 in less than a month, btw).

wow God. i don't even have the words to express my awe and amazement. i'm speechless actually.

some more of my favorite verses and quotes

i have a couple more favorite verses that i forgot about. really, how could i fit them all in one post? i think i'll just keep adding a few at a time as they come to me.

(click on picture for larger image) i made this card a few months after we had Faith. i remember i had gone back to work. we were leading a community group at the time and we were studying philippians. these verses have so much depth. i almost feel like i could write an entire book just about these four verses (philippians 4:4-8). during the months following Faith's birth and to this day these verses have brought me so much strength and hope. i have this card taped up to the mirror in my bathroom to remind me of these things every day:

• rejoice in the Lord always
• be gentle
• don't be anxious
• be thankful
• talk to God and ask for things with a grateful heart knowing that whether he answers my prayer or not he has only the best in mind for me
• he is capable of giving me peace that is unexplainable
• and when my thoughts start going to bad things i have the choice to switch off that switch and think about things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy

here's another card i made up when we were studying romans with our community group...

now this verse (and card) has a pretty crazy story. as we were preparing to move to austin i rediscovered this verse when i was flipping through my journal. it fell out and before slipping it back between the pages i read it. it stopped me in my tracks.

may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. -romans 15:13

this became my life verse for our move. i memorized it. i always carried it with me. i stuck it on the dash of my car to remind me as we drove down that i could trust God. if he wanted us in austin i had to remind myself (hourly sometimes) that if i would just trust in God he could and would fill me with his joy and peace. it was hard. i was grumpy a lot on our trip down here. now granted the drive was unbearably longer than we had anticipated. but still. internally i had accepted God's plan and was doing my best to be obedient, but sometimes i think i was just being obedient outwardly. inwardly i was struggling and still struggle with accepting in my heart God's plan. like ok God, i'll go there physically, but i'm not gonna be happy about it. like when you're a kid and your parent asks you to do something and you do it, but in a huff.

that reminds me of one of my favorite lines from will & grace. jack's all mad and he's standing by the door and he opens the door and says something like "oh, what's this? a huff? i think i'll leave in it." and he storms out. ha ha ha! so funny!

ok, so back to my story. so we arrive in austin the day before thanksgiving. we had already decided that we were going to go to gateway church when we got here since we had checked it out when we were here visiting in the past. so the sunday after we arrive we head off for church. i was very excited to go to church. i was really looking forward to getting plugged in and meeting some new people. we drop jonah off in kids quest and head into the service. the music was good. it had a homey feel. pastor rick gave the message. it was all going really well. and it turns out the message was one of those messages where you go "is he talking just to me? have you been spying on me?" and then the icing on the cake...

rick ended his message with romans 15:13. ok, God. i'm listening. i know we're supposed to be here. thanks for the reassurance. ;o)

some of my favorite verses and quotes

What God arranges for us to experience at each moment is the holiest thing that could happen to us.
~Jean-Pierre Caussade, an 18th century writer

this quote makes me feel all cozy and safe. i often get so caught up in trying to control my life... and i mean everything in my life. if you sit back and think about the fact that God is in control and he love us soooooo much and wants us to be happy, well, that means even the junk that we go through is intended for our good. when i let go i become surrounded in holiness. ahhh... to just stop for a second and let that sink in. it's amazing.

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised. ~Job 1:21

job's story means so so so much to me in regards to our daughter Faith. both this quote and the song "blessed be your name" have been my strength so many times. we played this song at Faith's memorial service and i will never forget the peace that i had during this song. i remember sitting in that front row with my eyes closed and my hands raised. God was so close... i could feel his presence in me and surrounding me. i'm convinced that there is no peace like that in the world apart from Him.

jonah and i heard this song on the way home from my Bible study group this morning. it always brings a smile to my face and i always tell jonah about his big sister and how it's her song whenever we hear it.

Can I sing about my maker
And have you not roll your eyes
Can I weep about my savior
And the way he died
I know it don’t make sense
To those who ride the fence
But I’m sold out to Christ, yeah
~Jimmy Needham, Fence Riders

this is an excerpt of the lyrics from jimmy needham's song fence riders. the first time i heard this song i was in the car. when i got home i immediately had to run inside and google it. i've never heard it on the radio again since then and at the time i only caught a few of the lines, but when i read the lyrics... it's really inspiring. how do people view me and my faith? does it really matter?

Faith makes things possible, not easy.

i don't really have an explanation for this one. it's just truth. so there you go.

God is looking for spiritual fruits, not religious nuts!

it's funny 'cause it's true.

A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions. ~Proverbs 18:2

this one i should get a tatoo of as a reminder to just shut my mouth sometimes. i talk too much and listen too little. two ears and one mouth, lisa.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11

this verse is my very favorite verse in the Bible. i meditated on this verse so much after we had Faith when we were trying to get pregnant again. we tried for months and months and months and during that time the enemy kept trying to strip me of hope. i was starting to believe the lie that Faith was it for us. that we wouldn't be able to have any other children. so in those dark moments i clung to this verse knowing that God had a plan for my life. that his plans were not to harm me, but to bring me hope and a future.

new years resolutions

i attended our new church gateway this morning. have you ever had it happen where you go to church and you think that the person speaking is talking directly to you? you actually think that they wrote their message just so you could hear it? well that's what happened to me today.

i know that everyone else probably had something similar on their minds seeing as today is the 2nd to the last day of the year. as the year comes to a close you kind of get nostalgic and you think ahead to the upcoming year. you think about your accomplishments and failures. you bring to mind your resolutions from last year that fell off the radar before january even came to a close. you think about who you are and who you'd like to be...

at least that's what i've been thinking about these past few days.

i guess since i officially quit my job and as we close in on 6 weeks here in austin it's beginning to sink in that we're not just on vacation, i've been ruminating about my purpose. why am i here? on earth, but more specifically in texas. i'm away from most of my friends and all of my family (except for dave and jonah) and i'm really really starting to miss them. i ache just to hang out with some familiar people. my family, my best friend. it's lonely down here. i mean, don't get me wrong, i love dave's family, but i also miss the folks back home. and as i watch jonah grow up a little more every day i'm sad that they're missing out on those everyday moments, too.

on top of that i've also been struggling with "who i am hates who i've been", and by who i've "been" i mean last week, yesterday, this morning even. i have this saying about hard times: "they can either make you bitter or better". it's a choice. i don't want to be a bitter person. bitterness is ugly. bitterness is not loving. bitterness leads to regrets. and the fact is i just don't really love the person i've been lately. i'm not spending the time with God that i should. i'm allowing petty things to make me bitter. it's all just... yuck! i don't like it. not one bit!

so anyway, today's message really hit home for me. it was the story of the woman at the well from john 4:4-29. (you can listen to the message here if you're interested).

so. new years resolutions. will my life actually be better if i make and keep them. why do i make them anyway?

the woman at the well was a samaritan, a half-breed, half jew, half asserian. an outcast. not only that but she had a bad reputation... married 5 times and now "with" a man who wasn't her husband. which made her an outcast of the outcasts.

so there she was... at the well... at noon. everyone else came for their water in the morning before the sun was straight overhead. but this outcast would rather endure the blazing glare of the sun, rather than those of the other villagers.

enter jesus. he asks the woman for a drink. shock. jesus was a jew. jews don't associate with samaritans. she protests "you are a jew and i am a samaritan woman. how can you ask me for a drink?"

jesus answered her, "if you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water." "sir," the woman said, "you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. where can you get this living water? are you greater than our father jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his flocks and herds?" jesus answered, "everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. indeed, the water i give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."(john 4:10-14)

the awesome thing about jesus is that he doesn't start spouting religion at this woman. instead he pursues her heart. living water? that's interesting, she thinks. where would i get this living water? no more trips to this stinkin' well. no more having to go into public and try to avoid the whispers of the other villagers. that sure would make my life easier.

the woman said to him, "sir, give me this water so that I won't get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water." (john 4:15)

so now you're saying "what does this have to do with new years resolutions?" well here it is. i have been making my lists (mentally)... about who i am not. things i want to change. things i want to do. the person i want to be. once these things are accomplished and i become this perfect person my life will be easier. (::cough:: yeah right ::cough::)

just like to woman at the well, i want jesus' "living water" in order to make my life easier. i want the magic pill. just like this woman it's really about self-condemnation, people-pleasing, and other selfish motives.

jesus created me. the person i am. the characteristics i have. he created them all. he delights in me. just as i am. and jesus' motives are not necessarily to make my life easier, but to help me to become a part of the bigger picture... his picture. it's fine to try to be a better person, but we have to examine our motives. am i letting God lead? or am i trying to take the wheel by making my lists and missing the adventures he has for me?

God is the living water. he'll provide. he treasures you. gives you worth. peace. and joy.

part of me thinks i want to be this great person and do these great things in order to please God. it's true. i do want to please him. but a lot of it is about me and my selfish motives.

jesus tells the woman: "a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth." the woman said, "i know that Messiah" (called Christ) "is coming. when he comes, he will explain everything to us." then Jesus declared, "i who speak to you am he." (john 4:23-26)

worship is about a soul approaching God in spirit and in truth.

after hearing what jesus had to say the woman went to find the other villagers. she told them "this man told me everything about me". she left off... and he still loves me. see she had been looking for love in all the wrong places (bad. i know.) the ironic thing was that in the beginning of the story she was all about getting the water. it was the reason she was at the well and her whole conversation with jesus revolved around it. but when she left to tell the villagers about this supposed messiah she left her water jar. that's a really small detail with huge implications.

so as i make my resolutions this year i'm going to meditate on this...

cs lewis talked about primary wants and secondary wants. he said that if we focus on primary wants we'll get our secondary wants in the process. if however we only focus on our secondary wants we will get neither.

matthew says something similar is chapter 6, verse 33: But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

if i seek jesus first my "lists" will take care of themselves. it's just like the fact that i can try all i want to be a good person, but unless i let jesus change me from the inside i will fail. if i pursue holiness i will be made holy.

i love the way God works. as i finished this note here's the song that came on...

david crowder band - "oh praise him"

turn your gaze
to Heaven and raise
a joyous noise
oh the sound of
salvation come
the sound of rescued ones
and all this for a king
angels join to sing
'all for Christ our king!'

how infinite and sweet
this love so rescuing
oh how infinitely sweet
this great love<
that has redeemed
as one, we sing...

Hallelujah
He is Holy


i love that song!

one of Faith's songs

i was just sitting working and listening to pandora and of course 10 minutes into it my recently acquired A.D.D. starts to kick in.

this is one of the songs we sang at faith's memorial service. it seems i've been thinking about her a lot lately. i miss her. this song reminds me to praise God. he's in control. he's holy. he's almighty. the joy of the Lord IS my strength.

he understands...

he will always understand.

jonah spent the afternoon at my parents' house with grandma so that dave and i could get some more packing done. as we drove over there, dave and i were talking.

i was sharing with dave about this amazing new friend i'd made through my mom's group. it's kind of sad yet exciting all at the same time.

last week i attended my last "farewell" event (sniff), a mom's night out at graham's 318 in geneva for chocolate fondue with the ladies... yummo! it was so fun. i'd never been there before and i'm so sad we're moving away because i now find myself daydreaming about that creamy sweet bowl of melted chocolate so tasty that when we ran out of things to dip we actually considered asking for straws. could i just pour the rest into my pocket to take home with me?

but i digress. so the other day i signed on to our mom's group website to check the boards. i figure i can still see what everyone's up to and maybe offer some advice about where to buy cupcakes for that upcoming birthday party or whatever. when i went to check out my post about inviting everyone to join me on facebook so that we could keep in touch, i found the most wonderful note! it was from an amazing fellow photog mama named rosie. we've never officially met and we've only emailed back and forth once or twice, but i already feel like we've known each other for years! we're just soul sisters in christ i guess.

so i was checking out rosie's blog when i came across this post about the american child photographer's charity guild.

i almost couldn't believe what i was reading. back in february i wrote about how God was inspiring in me this idea to start some sort of ministry that would provide this service for people... to go into hospitals and photograph children whom God had called home. the trouble was i didn't even know where to begin. so there it remained... in my head. just an idea.

as dave and i discussed my new friend rosie and this amazing new opportunity she has revealed to me, dave said he wasn't sure that he could do what i was proposing to do. he also said that although he tries to be supportive of me and my work, he wasn't sure that he could handle me sharing the images that i take with him. sometimes he said he still has trouble looking at pictures of our own daughter. i know what he means.

but i don't know. i just have this complete and total peace about it all. and that's how i know it's from God. the same way that i know this move to texas is from God. i know it will be difficult. will i go in and most likely cry with the family for their loss? yes. is it possible that i won't even be able to do my job? yes. but i believe that if God calls me to it, He will bring me through it.

i also feel that this will somehow be therapeutic for me. i never got to photograph my own daughter. her tiny tiny hands. her sweet little lips. her dark brown wavy hair. her itty bitty ears. her little feet with the baby toe that was raised up above the others so that the nurse had to push it down to get her complete footprint... that's why when we doodle faith's footprint when our family signs cards we only draw 4 toes. :)

ah... our girl.

so i really feel like this will be my opportunity to capture those special little things for hurting families and in doing so i will get the closure i've been seeking as well. plus what an amazing opportunity this will be to be able to share my story of Faith and how God comforted me through the hardest trial of my life. this is such a crazy time in my life, but when we get to austin i'm going to apply to the guild.

as we approached my parents' house, dave and i were wrapping up our conversation when the dj came on and said she wanted to play this amazing clip from her friend's radio show. a 13-year old cowboy named logan had called in and had something he wanted to share.

here's the clip:



i almost can't comprehend the wisdom that this young man possesses. God draws near to those who are hurting... we just have to be willing to listen.

"he understands. he will always understand. he will always. just run to him."

right on, logan!

crazy beautiful

I just can't put into words how awesome God is. But I'm gonna try.

Today while Jonah napped, Dave and I worked on weeding out and organizing our abundance of "stuff" in the garage. As we worked we got to talking. And it started to hit me. We're moving. We're not just going on vacation. We're leaving our home and everything that's familiar and driving 1,155 miles (give or take) to a new home. (Pause here for dramatic effect).

As I started to talk about all of the people being negatively impacted by our calling/decision I started to get a little depressed. I'm going to miss my family. I'm going to miss my friends. And they're going to miss me. How will the holidays work? We can't come back for every one of them. I'm so used to being with my family for every holiday. We have traditions here. Heck, I miss walking around downtown Geneva at night with Dave already and we haven't even left yet.

I let myself go down that path for a few minutes, but then God reeled me back in. "Was Abram thrilled about having to leave his home?" God reminded me. "How 'bout his friends? No. But I had bigger plans for his life. And I have bigger plans for you. Trust me."

So I continued with my work in the garage. Shortly thereafter Dave headed inside to fetch little Mr. Jonah who was waking up from his nap. As he headed inside, my heart was still heavy.

But I continued to organize and condense, looking around and feeling a twinge of pride over our accomplishments that afternoon.

Both my face and my heart smiled as I listened to Dave and Jonah over the monitor. Jonah was squealing and giggling as Dave changed his diaper and they sang and babbled, carried away in the most amazing father-son moment.

I wish I could just pluck up those moments and put them in a box somewhere safe where I could always visit them. I have to believe that cherubs' voices all sound exactly like Jonah's little 13-month old voice... so sweet and pure.

As the giggles faded away a song came on the radio. I was pulling random items out of a box marked "camping supplies" and wasn't listening too closely until these words jumped out of the speakers and bit my ear drums...

whoa you’re oh so beautiful
you don’t need anyone’s approval
you’ve got to believe in yourself
you know you are
you’re crazy beautiful

Seriously. God. That's exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you. I am crazy beautiful. You made me this way. And therefore you're crazy beautiful too.

Now if I were an author and this was a book here's how I'd wrap up this little anecdote...

When Lisa came inside after hearing that song, she sat down at the computer to look up who wrote that song (it's Chasen's Crazy Beautiful btw). As she typed she told her husband about the whole experience in the garage and how she had teared up listening to those wonderfully encouraging lyrics.

At that Dave began to laugh. And laugh. And laugh. And laugh a bit more. He laughed this particular laugh that told Lisa something ironic had just happened.

Apparently as Dave headed inside to get Jonah he could sense Lisa's heavy heart and as he stopped to watch the beautiful sunset from the kitchen window he had asked God to send her some encouragement.

Yep. If I were an author that's how I'd write it.

Crazy beautiful.

Crazy Beautiful

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